ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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