I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
