I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
