i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
