You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
