also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
