I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he was CRYING into my vagina
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
