Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
