dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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