If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
A+ Viking dick
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
