there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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