sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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