Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
