we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
