Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Someone came in the potted fern
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
