i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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