I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
