you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Randomize
