It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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