Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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