Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
