We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
