ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Come see our sink grown plant.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
