The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
