I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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