Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
