mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
