watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
