some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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