I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
