My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
