man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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