Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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