I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
