david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
