the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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