I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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