textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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