i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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