I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
