why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
