I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
