You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
