Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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