I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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