a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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