Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
