Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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