paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
