If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
