shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
How does one acquire holy water?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
